For Pax and Arrow

Today is my first mother’s day

but my children have come and gone

leaving me a mother with no babes.

They were never born.

They never took a breath

but they were living,

their blooded pumped in tiny veins.

Twice my heart has leapt with joy

Twice my soul has mourned,

I will never hold them here on earth

Imagination has taken over

pattering feet,

laughter,

gender,

sweet voices,

eyes,

and hearts,

all that I will not know.

A mother robbed left only to dream

Of little ones she will not kiss.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“They are with our heavenly father.”

“You’ll have a baby someday.”

I do not want reasons.

I wish I could have shown them

our beautiful world,

And seen them play with their earthly father.

Others may come, but these left holes

that cannot be filled.

My heart grieves still as my mind races

Why me?

Why both?

How could God allow this?

Where is your faithfulness God?

I cry with the psalmists,

Have I been forgotten?

My hand still reaches for them

but the spot they had their only moments is empty

and scarred.

Then my hand reaches to my heart,

the only place my children remain in me.

My God lives there too,

as love for all three pulse through me

and tears swell.

I am not alone.

This is my hope.

This mother’s day I will get out of bed.

I will hold the clothes and stuffies that bear their names.

I will cry as I seek my husband’s embrace.

Then I will try to be thankful to our God.

But I will celebrate with and for all mothers,

for the ones who have theirs to love

and those who have lost their precious ones.

I will go through my day one foot after another.

I will whisper my children’s names on my heart

And let them escape to my lips.

I will thank my God for them.

For though their lives were short,

all my love has cascaded upon them

and they have been imprinted onto me

forever.

And I will miss them,

Oh how I miss them,

My children.