This month is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month and the 15th is the actual day selected to remember this. This past year my husband and I have lost two pregnancies. On December 18, 2015, we lost Pax Casey to miscarriage. On April 14, we lost Arrow Xavier to ectopic pregnancy.

As a mom who has lost two children in the womb, I have encountered a lot of well meaning people trying to comfort or encourage me. Some have said great things, some haven’t.

I thought I could share with you what have been the most healing things that have been said to me as my husband and I grieve our children, and also what not to say.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ2avPk0P0Q

The following is roughly what I say in the video

Things not to say and what to say instead

At least they’re in heaven- We wanted them here. I wanted to witness the first moments of my husband holding his son or daughter. I wanted to watch our parents see their grandchild for the first time. I picture them at every family gathering. I guess who would be holding them. Let us grieve them not being here.

There is a reason- Sometimes thinking there is a reason makes it hurt more. I don’t want a reason. I want my kids. It never makes sense to lose a child at any stage. Let it not make sense

Are you going to try again?- Do not ask this question. Only the grieving parents should be the ones allowed to bring up future kids. It takes away from the focus of the child they just lost. Just because they weren’t born doesn’t mean they weren’t real.

Here is what you say:

I remember them: A friend came up to me once and said, “I am thinking about you because I remembered that Pax’s due date was this weekend.” That showed me that I wasn’t alone in remembering Pax and that Pax was important enough for someone to know that. Mention their name if you know it, mention how old they will be. Whatever you remember share. Just as you would if it was someone else.

I miss them: Another friend will text me every once and awhile just to say “I miss Pax and Arrow.” As a parent knowing that someone else misses my kids is so heartwarming. That someone else will think of them and wish they were here. Someone else besides me and my husband misses that we won’t see them grow up. That is huge.

You are a good parent: Lastly, one of the most meaningful things that was said to me was after I explained to a friend a tattoo I got in Pax and Arrow’s honor. I explained the story and why I decided to remember them that way. Afterwards he just nodded and said, “Faith, You are a good mom.”

He didn’t say you were or you would have been.

Him saying, “Faith, You’re a good mom.” was the most affirming thing anyone has told me during this past year.

I don’t have any children who are alive and with me today. I hardly ever get recognized as a mom and that sucks. Because I am a mom, I love my children fiercely. And I choose hope and to believe they will live even in the scariest moments in the ER room and before emergency surgery.

So if you have someone in your life that you know has lost a pregnancy (not just the mother because it hurts for the father too), it doesn’t matter how much you know or don’t know, say something like this:

I am thinking about you and I am remembering your child. (use their name if you know it.)

I miss them and wish they were here.

You are a good parent.

Thank you for reading/watching

Faith

For Pax and Arrow

Today is my first mother’s day

but my children have come and gone

leaving me a mother with no babes.

They were never born.

They never took a breath

but they were living,

their blooded pumped in tiny veins.

Twice my heart has leapt with joy

Twice my soul has mourned,

I will never hold them here on earth

Imagination has taken over

pattering feet,

laughter,

gender,

sweet voices,

eyes,

and hearts,

all that I will not know.

A mother robbed left only to dream

Of little ones she will not kiss.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“They are with our heavenly father.”

“You’ll have a baby someday.”

I do not want reasons.

I wish I could have shown them

our beautiful world,

And seen them play with their earthly father.

Others may come, but these left holes

that cannot be filled.

My heart grieves still as my mind races

Why me?

Why both?

How could God allow this?

Where is your faithfulness God?

I cry with the psalmists,

Have I been forgotten?

My hand still reaches for them

but the spot they had their only moments is empty

and scarred.

Then my hand reaches to my heart,

the only place my children remain in me.

My God lives there too,

as love for all three pulse through me

and tears swell.

I am not alone.

This is my hope.

This mother’s day I will get out of bed.

I will hold the clothes and stuffies that bear their names.

I will cry as I seek my husband’s embrace.

Then I will try to be thankful to our God.

But I will celebrate with and for all mothers,

for the ones who have theirs to love

and those who have lost their precious ones.

I will go through my day one foot after another.

I will whisper my children’s names on my heart

And let them escape to my lips.

I will thank my God for them.

For though their lives were short,

all my love has cascaded upon them

and they have been imprinted onto me

forever.

And I will miss them,

Oh how I miss them,

My children.